Full House

Since the moment we moved into this house it has been full with people.
Of course my Mum, my clan-children and their partners came over to stay, but apart from them there have been guests practically every night.
I can remember thinking, after we first had a look inside this house, ah well, it's not as if we still have loads and loads of people staying over all the time, like in the 'old times'. We did get ourselves a caravan, just in case we had people coming over in summer. And we thought we'd manage with just the three bedrooms, because AL had made it quite clear that she definitely didn't want to move back in with us.
And here we are, not even two months after moving in. Not only have both Owen and Myrna had friends sleeping over constantly, but AL has decided she doesn't want to find a place of her own yet, so she is moving back in with us when the contract on the temporary house runs out.
Which is fine, of course. Well, in a way. I am very much aware of how her present lifestyle has kind of moved away from our family way of living. So it'll take a bit of adapting on both sides. But mostly on hers, I'm afraid.
I can vividly remember coming back to live in the parental home after having moved out when I was sixteen (and went to live in Spain). It wasn't easy and it must have been hell on my parents, because I wasn't trying to make it easy either. I guess it's pay back time, then ;).
The other thing is that our family seems to have expanded in a more or less organic way. It happens in this household, every now and then. Not only has a third cat - a lovely big ginger named Mr. Mushu - joined our ranks, but there's this young boy, 12 years of age, - let's call him Remi - who has crossed our path and conquered a place in our hearts and home. His is a bit of a complicated story, but let's just say that he was very much in need of some mothering energy and a homely environment, and we have an abundance of that. So he came here with his little rucksack a couple of weeks ago and now lives in the conservatory. Every once in a while he goes back home for one or two nights, but then he phones to ask if he can come back to us.
The challenge is that we'd planned to put AL up in the conservatory. She panicked slightly when she found Remi had taken that space. But I reassured her that there would be a place for both of them. How, I don't know yet. As usual, I'm relying on CSC for the right solution at the right time and meanwhile I'm doing some serious thinking.
Weird, isn't it, that the moment we think it's not a problem to live in a smaller house because surely we're past the stage where we need a huge house with many rooms, these things happen. I wonder what lesson is in it. It's obviously got to do with choice. But then, everything in life is about choosing.
The point is that I am truly truly enjoying this Full House here. I love to be able to give Remi a feeling of being appreciated, wanted, loved and I also love the fact that my children's teenager friends feel at home here. Including the not so teenager anymore friends of AL.
A few years ago one of my clan-children nicknamed me MOM, which is an abbreviation for Mother Of Many. I consider it an honorary title and am very, very proud of it. And in spite of all the mess and noise, in spite of regularly cooking for eight to twelve people, in spite of not being able to find the time - let alone the space - to do my work, in spite of feeling very old and tired at the end of one of those hectic days, in spite of all that I still feel so incredibly happy being a MOM.
I suppose it just suits me down to the ground.

Onwards... forwards...

We didn't do Christmas or New Year cards this year. Not only the money, but also the time and energy I usually spend on cards went to the most important charity I can think of: my home and my family.
Nevertheless it feels a bit strange not having sent good wishes to friends and family, so Myrna and I are busy thinking up a worthwhile alternative. One we can work on without the pressure of the annual madness that seems to surround Christmas and New Year.
The fact that we've all been ill made for a reasonably quiet and low key Midwinter Time. For myself, this time is all about celebrating the birth of Light and respecting the stillness in Nature. I like to surround myself with candles and to stay at home as much as possible.
There was a time when the children were happy just staying at home, playing games, lighting a fire and candles, and those kind of things. But nowadays they want a bit more action, more socializing.
Living on her own, AL just makes her own plans nowadays. She was out most nights and only joined us for diner on Christmas Day and New Year's Eve.
Owen is happy staying at home, as long as he can watch some films and set off his fireworks at the New Year.
Myrna was extremely bored this year. We did some games with her and we watched a film together - Vin Diesel in The Pacifier, wow! - but it just wasn't enough for her. Next year we'll have to organise something she really enjoys.

My clan-daughter came over from Holland with her new boyfriend. They arrived the day after Christmas and left on Monday morning to spend New Year's Eve in London. It was absolutely lovely to see them and we had a great time. The boyfriend is really, really nice and it was so good to see her happy.
Although there is no blood relationship, it is amazing to see how much she and my birth-daughters look alike. And it's even more amazing how much she and Myrna are alike, despite the 18 year difference in age. Not only in looks, but in every other way, too. They are both perfectionists, outgoing, gregarious, stubborn, self-confident, etcetera. But they're even alike in their way of walking and in little gestures. For instance, both of them when they're reading and have to stop, they put a bookmark in (never fold a page!), close the book and hold it up in front of them to see how far in the book they are. They even have similar handwritings.

On Friday another one of my clan-children arrives from Holland, with his girlfriend. To have my clan-children with me in this holiday time means more than all the nice food and fireworks in the whole world. Even though they're all grown up and lead their own lives, leaving them 'behind' in Holland was one of the hardest things about moving countries. Of course we keep in touch, through MSN, email and telephone. But there is no replacing the physical contact, the hugs, the looking each other in the eyes and being able to communicate without the words. As an observer I always get just as much - or with some of them even more! - information out of watching my children as I do from talking with them.

My clan-daughter has been with her new boyfriend for a while now and she'd told me lots about him. I'd seen pictures of him and even of his work (he's an artist). So I had quite a bit of information. But now that I've seen him and I've seen them together, now that I've actually felt their energy together, I feel my impression is more accurate, more complete.
She comes to England as often as she can, and obviously when I go to Holland I go and see her. Up to now, every goodbye has been really difficult for me. I was always left with this heart tearing feeling for a few days. But this time it was different. I still cried after she'd left, because I'm going to miss her. And I know that she is going to miss us. But to know that now she's got someone she's really happy with and who loves and respects her for who she is, that makes a huge difference.

There was a lot of synchronicity in her search for a new relationship and our search for a new home. The process we went through, the lessons we've learned. The choices we made, the pains we suffered, the gratitude we felt.
I share that very special feeling of interconnectedness with her, with my sister and with my best friends. It makes distances disappear and time irrelevant.
It makes life magical.

Just goes to show...

I have to humbly withdraw my words about being strong and healthy, and I will be even more careful what I wish for from now on...
I went to bed after writing the previous post and was up again three hours later, sick as a parrot. A nasty stomach bug has caught up with me and I'm completely empty now, with pain in muscles I'd forgotten I had.
But truth be told, I've pulled out all the plugs today, stayed in bed and everyone has been really nice and caring to me.
Ken's just brought me my laptop, so I'm lying in bed with a purring cat and a laptop with internet, typing with one finger and counting my blessings, yet again. Because I dread to think what it would've been like if I'd been this sick in the Vicarage. It was bad enough with my body emptying itself uncontrolably from every possible opening, but at least I now had my own - warm! - bathroom with toilet and functioning shower two steps away from my bed!
Eventhough the convulsions are a lot less and manageable, I might just stay in bed for one more day... it's very tempting...

Back online, at last

We're back online!

A mere 28 days after the day they promised us our broadband would be up and running, the little light finally came on. Incredible. I don't think I'd get away with letting them wait the same amount of time for their money. But we don't intend to let them get away with it just like that. Ken is already busy compiling a list of all the time and costs we've had to make to attach to the official complaint and already they've credited the moving costs.

I've missed the internet and I haven't. I suppose it wasn't all that bad to be without for a while. I did have a dial up connection, so that at least I could pick up my emails and read my favourite blogs. That made a big difference, of course :).

The time and energy consuming act of moving house ensured that I didn't get withdrawal symptoms and life in general left me little opportunity to feel anything resembling boredom.

The terrible flu hit our household big time. Ken was most affected by it, but everybody has been down for a couple of days. Except me. Somehow I managed to keep going. I felt rough and horrible at times and most of all I felt sorry for myself. In an ambiguous kind of way. On one hand it's wonderful to know that I'm strong and healthy enough to keep going when no-one else can, on the other hand I can't help wanting to be the one who's being looked after, cared for, mollycoddled... Just to be able to pull out the plugs, to give in to illness, not to be responsible...
Mind, I should have been more careful what I wished for, because I'll be getting some lying down and doing nothing time when I'll have to go into hospital for some repair work in the pelvic area (doesn't that sound ominous?), probably somewhere around March.

It was slightly nerve-racking when Myrna lost her voice and it still wasn't back the week before she was due to sing solo in the Lanercost Christmas Concert. My Mum was coming over from Holland, especially for that occasion, the programme was all set and printed, and it was quite a major thing, really. I suppose her voice was more or less back at the dress rehearsal, but then the pressure got to her and she went all flat and squeaky. And being the perfectionist she is, she beat herself up about it and became even more anxious. At that moment I started to lose my usual cool. I felt I had to do something, but I just didn't know what. Should I encourage her or just cancel the whole thing? Should I make her practice even more? Should I advice her not to sing at all until the big day? I just didn't know.
Obviously, my unrest unsettled Myrna even further and I knew I had to detach and leave supporting and advising Myrna to her singing teacher, Mrs Y. I've probably sang her praise before on this blog, because I think she is another one of those Great Teachers. She did her magic with Myrna so that her confidence was back in time for the concert, allowing her to shine like a star and allowing me to be a proud Mum, nothing less, nothing more.

Another major event was AL's 18th Birthday Party.
The one she'd intended to have in Holland. But this time she's allowed herself to change her mind and to more or less go with the flow. I'm sure she still misses Holland a lot and she's still not one hundred percent sure that she wants to stay in this country, but having seen her on this fabulous Birthday Party - I was only allowed in for a very short time - I'm also sure that she's finally making space for the idea that staying here isn't all bad. It was absolutely wonderful to see her surrounded by so many nice friends and I could see she genuinely enjoyed it.
In spite of illness and everything we managed to move out of the temporary house just in time so that she could have her party there and people could stay over in 'her' house.

Now we're more or less settled into our new home. And not a day has gone by without me waking up in the morning and feeling so utterly grateful for finding this house. That feeling continues throughout the day and I'm afraid I really bore people with telling them over and again how happy I am, how happy we are to live here. I am still amazed at how far away this house is from everything I'd ever imagined as our new home. It's a constant reminder of how incredibly important it is to have Faith and to trust the Process.

This year has been amazing. Intense. Crazy. Unimaginable. Magical. Horrible and terrible at times. Emotional. Revealing. Full, very full. It has been a year of immense growth and increasing awareness of the greatness of All that Is.
I had my fiftiest birthday this year.
We didn't celebrate it as such, because it was the day Ken's father was cremated.
But in spite of the fact that I'm still - and probably will remain for a while - extremely tired, life is very much a celebration and I am thoroughly enjoying it.

In transition again

Just a very brief post to let you know there's lots to tell, but courtesy of BT and Sky we don't have broadband at the moment and dial up costs an arm and a leg, so we've decided only to go onto the internet in dire emergencies. Like this one. To let you know I'll not be posting for a week, or maybe - probably - two weeks. If it takes any longer I - or a member of my family - might make the news because of action undertaken against Sky and or BT.
Hopefully broadband is reconnected before it comes to that.

The new man in my life

I suppose telling people on the FOC list was the first step towards coming out with this not very well hidden secret of mine. People around me have been wondering what's kept me going in the past couple of months and I've been attracting comments about this glow in my eyes, the blush on my cheeks and the happiness that I'm apparently radiating.
So here it is.
Yes, there's a new source of inspiration, a new man in my life. I thought it was impossible for anything or anybody to penetrate the mist of tiredness and lacklustreness (is that not a word, dear spell checker??) around me, but this hot blooded macho Mexican managed to go right through it and hit me in the core of my being. He speaks the words of truth that I've been yearning to hear for such a long time, he is passionate and he is so in touch with nature. He inspires me to an entirely natural approach of problems and trauma's and he teaches me a whole new way of being. Our relationship has empowered me and given a new shine to my life.
I adore him.
Best of all, our relationship is one hundred percent virtual. Very convenient for me. I can just about manage to watch him on telly, visit his website and read his inspirational writings. More physical input would spoil it all, assuming I could muster the energy in the first place. It's ideal the way it is.
His name reflects the powerful leader that he is.
Cesar.
Hail Cesar.
I'm at your feet.

Fortunately, the children have taken to him from the very first moment they laid eyes on him. And Ken cannot but agree that Cesar is the missing link in my life. And he cannot but like the guy, too. I think the family members, or to use Cesar's terminology, the pack members benefitting most from the new man in my life are my dogs. Within the space of one single week we (as a family) have managed to take on the role of leaders and they have become the followers they need to be. They are so much more balanced, there is no more rivalry between them, we are not constantly trying to work out which one of them is the alpha dog, because that's no longer the question. We're in charge. We're the pack leaders. And they are very happy and willing followers.

By watching his dvd's and programme (National Geographic Channel or Sky3) practically every day, and by reading his books, he has become an integral part of our natural curriculum. He teaches us about behaviour and psychology in dogs, but also in humans. We learn how important it is to live in the present, to be calm and assertive, and to be respectful and non-judgmental, all at the same time.
To me, Cesar is another one of these very special teachers.
In my opinion he is what Soul in Education is all about.