For to be free is not to merely cast off one's chains,
but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.
- Nelson Mandela -

Friday, June 29, 2007

Quiet reappearance

Carefully, very carefully, I am trying out how it feels to be blogging again.
I can’t even begin to describe how the past month has been. Suffice to say it has been one of the most intense periods of time in my life.

I’ve had a tiny glimpse at just how big and great the universe is.
I’ve experienced the wonderfulness of interconnectedness.
I’ve felt the power of magic and the miracle of unconditional love.
I’ve discovered so much about myself, especially in relationship to my loved ones, my family.
I’ve gone from the highest high to the lowest low.
I’ve been bursting with energy and I’ve been so tired that even crying was too much effort.

But we haven’t got a new house yet.

So when people ask if there’s any news about a house yet, I have to say no.
But that just seems to be such an insufficient answer. It suggests that nothing has happened. Whereas I have the feeling that everything has changed and that the only thing left now is for us to find our new home.

There was this house we went to see the day before Myrna’s birthday party. And it was ours if we wanted it. The only thing we needed to get was a bank reference, and we couldn’t get that until after the bank holiday weekend. But the man said it wasn’t a problem, and he said we should take a few days to make up our minds.
That same day we had a phone call from JC: The church had, in response to my letter, agreed to give us an extra two months.
The other news she had for us was that the other people interested in the house by the river had withdrawn and we were now first on the list.
So there we were: Two extra months, and more or less two houses to choose from.
I literally collapsed after JC’s phone call.
I just couldn’t believe that it was happening, that all I had wished for was there in front of me and it was up to me to choose, to do something with it.
I cannot remember much of what happened the rest of that day, because I was literally beside or outside myself. At one point I realised that I was experiencing exactly what I had wondered about in a previous post: I was in different realities at the same time. It was scary and bizar and magical at the same time.
Ken and Owen were at Kielder that day and AL and Myrna were having a pyjama day in their rooms, so I was all by myself. The only thing I could think of to do was to phone my sister. Luckily she immediately realised what was happening and she talked me through it, until I was grounded again. More or less back in my own body.
It’s not something that I would want to happen again. But at the same time I know it happened because I had genuinely opened myself to miracles, to magic.

I somehow got through that day, thanks to AL, who seemed to realise I was ‘out of it’ and completely took over all the preparations for Myrna’s birthday party. Without her, I don’t know what I’d have done. And Myrna wouldn’t have had the wonderful Day of Celebration that she had. A lovely day, with such a nice bunch of happy faced girls and laughter and good fun.
That whole bank holiday weekend we lived on a high. It felt as if after a month of struggling through a desert we had come to an oasis. And we thoroughly enjoyed it.
The bizar thing is that in the end we followed our hearts and said no to ‘the other house’. Ken and I had both, separately, come to the conclusion that we would rather take the gamble and wait to see if we could get the house by the river. Up to now it hasn’t materialised. We had a meeting with the owner and his estate agent. Genuinely nice people. It’s just that we found out the house was coming up for rent before they’d actually decided what to do with it. Let it with or without outbuildings. Commercial or residential. Also, the house needed more renovating. All reasons why we still don’t know whether we’re going to get it or not.
However, they’ve promised us that we’d have a definite yes or no before the end of the month. And that’s in two days time.

We’ve been looking at other houses, too. I’d never imagined that so many landlords don’t want pets. It’s really depressing. Myrna said today that she want a house, any house, as long as we know we’re going to have a roof over our heads. She wants to start moving. Get on with her life. I have come to the same point, really.
However much I want the house by the river, the process of the past month has taught me that there is so much more than I can possibly envision.
And of one thing I am now more sure than ever before: We are loved. We are cared for. And All is Well.

3 comments:

Dawniy said...

hey how ever quietly you sneak back you can't do it quietly enough for me not to notice ;-)
so pleased for you with whatever has made you feel so cared for , I've had that out of myself thing a few times , no doubt one day we'll talk about it.
sending vibes and prayers for a yes to the river house if it's the right thing to happen for you.
nice to see you back !

Ruth said...

Pleased you are back. Alot has happened for us to on the moving stakes and other stuff. I hope you get some answers very soon.

((hugs))

liz said...

Wow! That was a very quiet reappearance, I'd been watching your blog for news but you snuck that one past without me noticing till now. I'm still on tenterhooks for you all and hoping things go your way, whichever way that is!
Lots of love
Lizxx