For to be free is not to merely cast off one's chains,
but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.
- Nelson Mandela -

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Life in limbo

Never thought the church, any church, would have a major influence on me.
Well, with their Notice Seeking Possession the Church of England has definitely made a dramatic impact on my life.

It is increasingly difficult to Hold the Vision and to have Faith.
And as for Fun... I’m struggling...

I haven’t been able to write, I haven’t been able to blog, although I desperately wanted to. But I just couldn’t find the space in myself to create words, to transform my thoughts into words. Or maybe I simply didn’t have the energy. Again, time is undefinable. It seems to rest heavily on my shoulders while simultanously it runs out.
Forty days until the expiry date of the Notice. Forty days!!

In the past forty days AL quit her college course and went back to Holland, where she's doing her work placement and trying to find a job; Myrna sang in three concerts and did her grade 5 exam; Owen joined the Army Cadets and now goes there twice a week and will even go on Summer Camp with them (gasp); we found out that we weren’t only overpaid Child Benefit, but also Carer’s Allowance, Housing Benefit and possible Tax Credits, so consequently I’ve spent days and days at the CAB and on the phone and writing letters trying to get a grip on things only to find out that we are definitely not in the best possible financial position to move house; Ken’s father came out of hospital because there’s nothing more they can do for him and now he’s getting cared for at home, where we try and visit him as often as possible; we’ve had a gang of six really tiny kittens staying over several times, they were three days old when their mother was run over and we’re helping to foster them; we’ve done a lot more sorting out and packing up and the spare room is full with boxes already; I’ve phoned up about at least fifty houses for rent, only to find out that at least 90 percent of them wouldn’t take pets; we’ve been to see the remaining 10 percent to find out that they were either too far away, all extra costs considered too expensive, absolutely too small, would only take one small dog, were already promised to people without pets or children...; and all the while home ed has been going on as usual, although with less creative input from me, I must confess.

Ah, it’s good to sum it all up, knowing that I’ve probably not even mentioned half of what went on in those past forty days. And looking at what I’ve listed I can understand and forgive myself for feeling absolutely exhausted and drained...
At the same time this list shows that yes, a lot can happen in forty days.

We still haven’t had a definite answer about the house by the river. And there’s another house, just over the border in Scotland... One of the estate agents I am now stalking on a regular basis thought that they might take pets and it seems to have enough rooms and even a garden... But here, too, we’re waiting to hear from the landlord.

Another big AAAHHHH.... Just now something is slowly making its way into my conscious brain... Forty days and forty nights... a biblical phrase... time of transition, time to reach major insights... 40 days of discernment... I must look into that...

Still, although I can truly see the learning curve in this whole process, I have definitely reached the point where I am longing for my life - for our life - to come out of limbo. I am genuinely grateful for everything I’ve learned and am still about to learn from this all, but I am mainly tired. Worn out, to be precise. And I want to literally know where we’re going. I want an end to uncertainty, to insecurity. I want a place to live where we can all be happy and where we can restart our lives. I want a new home. Please. Please! Now.

2 comments:

Ruth said...

((hugs)) We are back in limbo again too. I just want it all to end and know what is happening next, so I understand how you feel.

Lin (Briar Patch) said...

Found you via Ruth's. This all happened to me a few years back and I know only too well what you're going through. I was a student at the time too, so also had that going against me, lol! Luckily it all worked out in the end but I remember that feeling of hopelessness. Hope you find somewhere really soon. Lin xx

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