Still here

Yesterday morning I spoke to the estate agent who deals with the house by the river. We have a definite answer and it’s a no. No real explanation, this is the owner’s decision.
Strange, actually. I realise that with putting this post on my blog the photo’s of the house will now disappear off the first page.
Gone. Into the archives.
Another strange thing was my own response. After the very brief conversation I put the phone down and sat there, more or less waiting for some emotional tidal wave to hit me.
But it didn’t.
To my own surpise I was feeling a quiet sense of relief. Can you belief that? We’re a week away from officially being declared homeless and I feel relieved when I hear we’re not going to get the house I’ve dreamt of all that time.
I carefully examined myself, did some serious soul searching. Was I in denial? Trying to soften the blow? Was this feeling of relief some sort of natural defense against total devastation?
But I could only come to one conclusion: It’s a genuine feeling.

Over the past few weeks, while I was envisaging our family in that house, I’ve had some moments of serious doubt. First of all about the money. Although a definite rental price has never been mentioned, we knew it wasn’t going to be cheap and it would also cost a lot to keep warm.
Now, especially with all this business of overpayment going on, Ken still being jobless, me trying to deal with an attack of writer’s block and other, more physical impediments, our financial situation is far from stable. Also, I was aware of the effort it would take to upkeep a house and a garden like that, and I know I couldn’t possibly deal with that all by myself.
I also know that between Ken and me, I’m the one who usually sees what kind of work needs to be done and he’s a master in putting as much effort as possible into doing as little as possible. So I could just envisage some potentially very frustrating scenes there.
So I suppose the relief is caused by not having to carry such a heavy burden.
But still, I know that if it would have been a yes, I would have gladly taken on that burden. It wouldn’t be the first heavy burden I’ve coped with in my life.

Or should I assume that the time has come to stop taking on heavy burdens and start making choices that allow a more easy going life? If that’s the case, the Universe has rather a heavy handed way of telling me that. Or is the solution right there in front of me, but am I too stubborn, too short sighted to see it? Too caught up in looking the wrong way, perhaps?

Oh Heavens, I really don’t know what to do or what to think next.
The only choice left now is to Have Faith. I know. And most of the time I Have Faith.
But now, at this particular moment, I can only feel my intense desperation...