For to be free is not to merely cast off one's chains,
but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.
- Nelson Mandela -

Monday, March 24, 2008

Ostara and new foundations

Thank you so much to everybody out there who's supported me with their thoughts, prayers and good wishes while I was in hospital. At times I literally felt it and it worked like magic, because it all went very well and I'm on the mend.
Will have to take things easy, can't drive for at least two or three weeks, no hoovering, no digging in the garden, no lifting heavy things, and all that. But I'm sure I'll manage that without too much trouble.

If ever I had a lesson in letting go and trusting the process I had it in the past week. On the day I was admitted my sister in Holland was taken to hospital, too. Not planned.
And then the next day, when I came out of surgery, Ken told me that apparently my mother had had some sort of a heart attack and was in hospital, in the special care unit.
Now, in any other circumstances I would have been on the first plane out. But that was just no option. At all.

All I could do was lie there and practise radical acceptance.
In an attempt to do so I dipped deep into the healing energy that was being sent to me by so many friends, and I dipped deep into my own strength. And I cried and cried for hours. The nursing staff was so good about it. I explained briefly what I was trying to deal with and that I would really like them to draw the curtains around me and just leave me in my own 'private bubble', as Owen calls it. And they did.
I wish I could say I've got it all sussed now and that everything's under control, but I would be lying. Well, who wants to be in control, anyway.
I suppose lying in a hospital bed with needles and tubes in your body makes it kind of easy to accept you really can't go anywhere. That wasn't the hardest part.
No, there were other issues that, strangely enough (?) I'd been trying to get a grip on in the weeks before I went in, that were a lot tougher. Issues like what happens with me when my Mum takes ill or feels bad, the mechanisms I then fall into, the denial of my own needs and cravings. Issues about unconditional and conditional love. The different feelings I had about my sister and my Mum. The guilt trip I go on about these feelings... etcetera etcetera.

I was so happy to come home and to be able to speak on the phone with both my sister and my Mum. It was good to know that one of my other sisters (I have three) is looking after my Mum. She knows all the medical stuff, she professionally deals with doctors every day and she'll make sure my Mum gets everything she needs. It gives me space to let go of that terribly twisted feeling of responsibility, which in actual fact has more to do with guilt and therefore creates anger...
My sister came out of hospital yesterday. Talking to her, heart to heart, soul to soul, even for a few minutes the first time, I immediately felt the flow of unconditional love and I also felt it was okay, okay to need each other, okay to be connected. Because the way we are connected we exchange, we share, but we do not absorb each other. I do not need to feel responsible for her in any other way than to give her who and what I truly am.
And I am - in every sense of the word - her Sister.

I am really tired now. The days seem to last twice as long as normally, I have lost my sense of time and even place every now and then. I have tried to help cook a special meal today, but I couldn't stay on my feet for very long.
I did feel a bit sorry for not having done anything about Ostara this year. But I suppose this year I am celebrating Ostara by living it. The time for new beginnings, rebirth and balance.
This year at Ostara I've had the foundations under my motherhood strengthened.
Under a practically full moon.
Slowly but surely the picture is getting clearer, the bits of the jigsaw are falling into place.

This all probably looks like the ramblings of a recovering mind, making not much sense. And I'll stop writing, because the thoughts that are now entering my head haven't found words yet. And certainly not in English ;). But my body is a lot more relaxed now than when I started writing this post.
I'm going to close my eyes and ponder about Ostara and the time of radical changes it brings along.

8 comments:

Gill said...

So glad to hear that you're home and on the mend (((Mieke))). What a series of events to have happened all at once in your family! I do hope you're all back to good health as soon as possible.

You are lucky to have such a good sisterly relationship there. Mine is very separate from me, physically and emotionally, but I've finally accepted that it's just the way it is between us.

'EF' x said...

Yes, lots of healing vibes from me to you, I wanted to send you a letter but first hoped to hear how it went here on this blog, so thankyou for writing it.

It's all happening at once Mieke!

Love to you and then some more. xxx

Liz said...

I'm glad for you that you were in a place, physically and emotionally, where you could let yourself 'be' and just let go when these events happened.
Being in control is overrated as you said.
I feel very privileged to be allowed to watch you on your journey, and try my hardest to apply your lessons to my life.
Been thinking about you,and will continue to do so.

ruth said...

((Mieke)) what a lot to have on at once. Take care. Much love to you
xx

shukr said...

"Because the way we are connected we exchange, we share, but we do not absorb each other. I do not need to feel responsible for her in any other way than to give her who and what I truly am.
And I am - in every sense of the word - her Sister".

Blissful Mieke .)))
I'm glad to hear you are physically sound of health and I feel sure that will give you the space to do the mental/ emotional work you need to do atm.

Mieke said...

Gill: It's only the one sister I have such a good sisterly relationship with. It is very valuable and warm and it means the world to me, though. It is so extremely special to have someone who I've known all my life, in all ups and downs, with similar memories of childhood and all that, with whom I can share literally everything.
It's totally different with the other two. The one that looks after my Mum is sort of okay, we exchange the odd email and speak to each other on the phone on occasions like this. We get on, so to speak.
The youngest one totally disapproves of everything that is dear to me, including my family and my way of life. She has dutifully sent me an email when she heard I'd been in hospital and she even phoned me. But after only a few minutes she felt it her duty to point out that when she'd been in hospital she was up and working again in no time, contributing to society and paying tax so that 'other people' can continue to 'lay about'. *sigh*

EF: The vibes are being well used :)! I keep checking your blog to see if there's any progress or insights concerning your health and I am returning the vibes and love with renewed energy hoping to help easing your pains.

Liz: It was so good to see you with your little treasures! We will have that leisurely walk along the river soon... real soon... And I'm sure you'll find the pack leader inside yourself, who can deal out rules, boundaries and limitations with a loving calm assertiveness :) ((hug))

Ruth: Thank you! Yes, a lot, but at least my chimney is still standing ;). Reading your blog every day and amazed that you have the time to read mine! Good luck and love to you, too!

(((Shukr))), yes, that to me was the essence of that post. And I do feel blessed. Not being able to fly over also gives me a lot of space I normally wouldn't even have considered to allow myself...

dawny said...

I'm sending lots of love and hugs and will email you xxx

Celulite said...
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